It still hurts.

I guess that even after 5 years you still don't get over the pain of losing a litter. Even though they are only a few hours old, it's still so devastating when they don't make it. I can handle the ones that fade, or are still born...but when I lose an entire litter it really ruins my day. I just can't help but think about their poor helpless little lives that were unnecessarily lost.

I had my first litter of BEWs born today. I waited so long for this breeding. And much to my excitement, the mom gave me a BEW and a perfectly marked Vienna. I was thrilled. I came home about 8 hours later to find them being devoured by ants. The fourth time this has happened in the past 2 months. I feel like I should have prevented it but I honestly thought the episode was over after we power-washed the barn; even more so since I've had two litters since the first round of ants that survived fine. I honestly don't know what is attracting them.

It still hurts to lose a litter...and I think it always will so long as I have a passion for these animals.

RIP little ones <3

Baby Girl,

January 12, 2011

My heart is racing as I write this. It's the first time I've let myself think or talk about you since that day. The day you left me.August 31, 2010. I've gone five months without you and I only got to spend 10 months with you. It feels like a lifetime. Your memories are fading.It's like you were never here. No one talks bout you. No one knows. I don't want them to. I don't want to keep hearing the apologies. Because they did nothing, I did. I can't believe I did this to you. I hope you know how much I love you. I think i still know how much I loved you when you were here. It was unconditionally. I felt like non one knew how much you mean to me. Like they couldn't begin to imagine our bond. Like you were genuine. You were. There was never a rabbit like you. You went through everything with me. You laid in my lap late at night under the covers and let me rub your head until I almost fell asleep. You'd nudge me when I stopped. you knew how to ask for food and water and how to get me to let you out. You knew how to connect to me. I'm looking at where your cage used to be. The reason why I wouldn't go in my room for a week. I'm in so much pain. I miss you so much. I want you here. I've never felt so strong about something before. This is the reason I wouldn't let myself think about you. I didn't want to be in that black hole again. The place where I felt so alone. No one knew how I felt. No one could begin to imagine.

They said they did. I felt like I didn't eat for a week. I felt like if I did it would be selfish. Selfish like how instead of being at home that final day I was out shopping. I didn't bother to stay with you. I only remember saying to you "are you okay, baby girl? It'll be okay." I remember rubbing your velvet ears. Reminding myself to remember how they felt because it might be the last time I would feel them. And it was. I wonder how long you had been gone till I found you. I knew when I got up from the sofa that going to my room could forever change my life. And it did. I didn't want to leave you. I didn't want to get up off my knees. No matter how much they hurt. I didn't want to believe it. And every time I would tell myself "She's gone", I would begin balling again saying "no, no, no" over and over for what seemed like five minutes but what was really almost two hours. Two more hours away from you. I wanted time to freeze. I didn't want to except anything. I didn't want to think that 2 weeks from now I'd be done crying. I wanted to cry forever. I wanted to feel as much pain as you did. I wanted to punish myself. I didn't want to even be happy again without you. Because it would be selfish. I didn't want people to act like nothing had happened just so I wouldn't be reminded of you. It was the silence that killed me the most. It was being allowed to hear my thoughts and see your face that made me so angry. And now that I'm finally allowing myself to talk about you, I feel so selfish that I didn't all those months. Like I deprived myself of rejoicing in your memories.

I wanted so badly to tell everyone that knew you. You were so famous. So many people wanted you. They adored you. They know how special you are to me. Only some people have asked about you. I'm glad. But now I want people to know. I want to be able to talk about you. I want to let go of what happened and just be glad it did. Because I am. I don't want to forget why I loved you so much. If I do, I'll feel even more guilty. I don't want to feel guilty. I want to be happy.And most of all, I want people to know how amazing you were. I want you to live on in not only my heart, but the hearts of others. Because you touched so many of them. I will always be able to look back and tell anyone about you. And five years from now, I want to feel this same passion as I do now. I forget already too much about Mishodoe and I won't let that happen to you. My heart is beating normally now and my eyes are dry. I don't feel that ripping pain in my chest either. I know I will again and it will be okay. And even though I don't want to stop writing to you, I know I should because I've accomplished what I came here to do. And that was to allow myself to remember how much I will always love you. And so Mishodoe's name never dies, I give you her name as a part of yours.

I love you Macee Mae Leah Mishodoe.

Forever.